I carry the fire in your eyes, like when you made us laugh recklessly at the old man’s rage. I was scared and you weren’t. I wasn’t scared with you.
I carry the jealousy of your physical nature. Your hands with a ball or a skateboard and everything that came to you but never came to me.
I carry your destruction. The way you downed kerosene and the fire in your eyes lit up as you practiced self-immolation in your bedroom at night, and sometimes I practiced with you.
Because I carry that the first time you set yourself on fire I was on fire too, and I told you it’s warm and good and the flames are badass and you listened.
I carry how they laugh you off like dead weight in their dead eyes. How they slough off your bloated body like it ain’t worth saving.
Well fuck them.
I carry the silence, the stretches of nothing, I carry my cowardice in my lips as they remain stapled shut for fear of ripping open and blood pouring forth, bubbling at the broken words my tongue won’t form.
I carry the hospital. I carry what I learned there when I saw you; that the boogeyman is real and he wears the skin of our loved ones as he shambles in the dark. We gotta light that motherfucker up.
I carry my love for you forever and always. I carry that I fought for you the only way I knew, and that it wasn’t enough.
I carry you.
Dont look like what i thought
Comes and takes all of us
Leaves us a cloud of dust
Oh what its done for me
Has eyes but cannot see
So i keep my straight face
Play dead right where i lay”